On Self Love

Listen up. I have something to say.

I want to know when it was decided that the peak moment in a girl’s life is the moment she finds a man to make her feel wanted. When did it become the social norm to tirelessly search high and low for a companion? When did we stop wanting ourselves and being our own companions? I think it’s time we took our focus off of who we can get and shift our attention to who we can be.

Until you love yourself unconditionally and accept yourself for who you truly are, another person cannot and will not do the same. We are all guilty of trying to fill the hole that so furiously burns in our hearts with things that are so fleeting, only to find that they eventually seep through the cracks and disappear. There is a well in everyone’s soul that is meant to be poured into; carved out in the corner of our heart and waiting to be fit with the missing puzzle piece God chose for each of us. But instead of waiting for our missing puzzle piece to naturally fit itself into our hearts, we grasp and reach for any piece that we think might fit, out of fear that our empty spot is too intricate and jagged to fit with anyone else’s.

But here’s the thing: the desire to be fit with a significant other should never outweigh the desire to feel full on your own. You must never let loneliness convince you that being alone is wrong. You must never have the intention of finding your “other half”, because you are not half.

You are whole. You were created to be a unique being that can never be replaced, forgotten or unimportant. Your value does not decrease on other people’s inability to see your worth. It has become a worldwide epidemic in women to allow themselves to be swallowed up in the idea of “being in love”. We can’t rest until we receive a text from the one person we are dying to hear from. We let our self-worth revolve around how many guys approach us at a bar or a frat party, and our main source of confidence stems from the number of likes we can get on an Instagram selfie. More often than not, we melt like putty in the hands of the first guy who throws us any shred of attention. Why? Why is our first instinct to find fulfillment from the validation of others rather than ourselves?

Confidence is tricky. Self-reliance, independence and strength are not traits that are bestowed upon us by a fairy godmother at birth. Self-reliance comes from realizing that people will always disappoint you, regardless of how good you are to them. Independence is learned when we make a firm decision to stand up on our own instead of always having to lean on someone else. Strength is refined when we are able to pull ourselves out of difficult situations in one piece; even when it felt like we were standing in quicksand. Remember that when you slip, you have the ability to stretch out your arms and catch your own fall. Superman isn’t going to magically appear and whisk you off your feet just in time to save you before you are engulfed by the flames of reality. Get up and save yourself.

I probably sound like a total pessimist. I am sometimes. I’ve been in love before and will be the first to admit that having someone to introduce to people as “yours” is a feeling that cannot be fabricated or bought in a store. Love is beautiful. There’s a reason God created us to love and be loved, because we are bringing glory to Him when we do so. But I think what most people fail to realize is that there is a very fine line between loving someone and losing yourself.

When I found the person I thought was the end-all, be-all puzzle piece that I’d been missing for so long, I quickly let go of the world around me and poured my entire heart and soul into someone who eventually changed his mind. When the ties that held us together were severed, I was left breathless and unaware of who I was, because I had so blatantly lost sight of my own identity along the way. I’m glad the cords that bound me to him were snapped, because the end of him loving me was the beginning of me loving myself.

I think it’s time we start giving ourselves a little bit more credit and admit that we are all beautiful, one-of-a kind and worth loving. It’s time to shed the skin of insecurity, self-doubt and the need to be approved by others. I found peace and happiness once I stopped holding myself to the standards and expectations of others. I looked within my own heart to find joy and decided that trusting God to provide and trusting myself to survive was easier than chasing after dust. I now choose every day to remind myself that I absolutely deserve the love that I keep trying to give to others. I don’t need someone to tell me I’m beautiful and captivating to know that I am.

So, here we are. Faced with the frightening realization that a happy and easy life is never promised. Learning to love yourself isn’t something that will all of a sudden come to fruition and wipe away any debilitating fears you once had. Instead of gazing with envy at other people that have the things you want, look in the mirror and accept that you are who you are and you’re given one chance at this life. There isn’t enough time in the small dash between the day you’re born and the day you die to wait around for someone to come along and bring value to your life. There will never be a person on this earth, parent or friend, boyfriend or girlfriend, that will satisfy your every need. Look within yourself to find meaning and stop taking for granted the time you have on this earth to run and jump and dance and laugh and cry and LIVE. If I had to condense these thoughts into 140 characters or less, I would say simply: He is not the sun. You are.